I’m back. . .again. . . . I know I keep promising I’m back. I apologise. I just recently graduated from high school. So, I do have an excuse. Though I did have some extra time in April, May was pretty packed. Now. . .as a freshly graduated aspiring college student. . .I now have time and energy to start writing. I can’t believe it took me so long to get back into this.
So, as graduation was approaching, I started doing some naval gazing. (How did that even become a term?) I was sitting in my room, trying to write up my biography to go into the homeschooler’s program that was to be passed out. My fears started bubbling up, through the carefully hidden walls I had built around them. As the tears started trickling I realised something. . .I’m scared of disappointing everyone I love. That’s normal, right?
I want to please them. I don’t want to disappoint them. I want to be successful. I want to have a good life and do things that I would like to do. . .like move to Paris and work there. . .but. . .I’m utterly terrified of disappointing everyone that I love and care about.
I was dealing with some pretty heavy stuff, with my dad being ill and refusing to come to my graduation. It hurt and stung and left me feeling very insecure. I felt like I disappointed him. But in truth. . .I haven’t. I haven’t disappointed my family. They are concerned for my future because they want the best for me. Not because they think I’m bad or worthless or a disappointment. . .but because they care. Even if I don’t always feel like they do.
But fear can’t and shouldn’t control my life. Ever. I can’t be scared of life. Yes, life is scary. Yes, people are scary. Yes, relationships are scary. Yes, EVERYTHING about living is scary. . .even surviving. As Oscar Wilde puts it, ” To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist. That is all.”
I don’t want to exist. I want to live. And I can’t live if I let my own insecurities, my depression, my anxiety, my stress, my health, get in the way. I need to let go. Let go of what’s holding me back. I need to be the best woman that I possibly can be. I’m here for a reason and I will not let it go to waste. There’s a story waiting to be written.